Shootout at the O-Gay Corral

Shootout at the O-Gay Corral
Originally uploaded by duckydale.

So I’m jolted awake at 12:40am by a rather loud noise and a semi-whimper-yell. I roll over, readjust, settle back in. I hear a man calmly yelling for help. I listen more closely. Our bedroom windows are wide open and its not too late so some drunk kids could be out playing, you never know. Listen… “I’ve been shot…” Jon and I are now both up! Hello. So that noise that woke me up, YEAH A FUCKING GUN SHOT right outside our bedroom window. Granted we are on the 4th floor, but this person is on the sidewalk on the other side of the street calling out because they’ve been SHOT. What? Jon’s now got his head out the window but neither of us can see a person. Jon deducts that the person occasionally yelling is by the church across from us. Neighbors are hanging out windows. The guys next door are out on their deck smoking away. As Jon runs downstairs to call 911 I hear a woman asking where he is. Apparently we weren’t the only ones that couldn’t find said victim. Sirens!
Jon’s on his way up with his cell phone. I tell him that someone’s already called and that I can hear sirens. Within seconds there are two ambulances, a paddy wagon and about 10 cop cars that swarm the street. The whole time from waking up to the cops arriving is maybe a minute and a half. It is comforting to know that if I get shot in my backyard which is apparently now a possibility – that medical assistance will be there within a minute.
Not kidding, within minutes they have the guy into the ambulance and rushed away. The cops clear out within 15 and it’s a quiet peaceful night again. I assess whether or not I should have a panic attack but realize I’m too tired. I swear I heard a cop say they caught “him” in the “lot” so I felt relieved and safe. Bedtime again! I mean wouldn’t they be casing the joint or something if there was a fugitive at large?
This morning when I woke, Jon and I were on the couch and I asked if he heard the guy scream that he was shot in the FOOT? Jon said he heard that too. Not so bad, what if he shot himself in the foot like a drunk jackass? Jon leaves for work. I turn on Fox25 and Q reports on the shooting. YEAH, the guy was shot in the CHEST and the have NO SUSPECTS as of yet. Great. Welcome to the South End bitch!

Xbox Yippie!

For once Jon and I are almost with the times. It’s 2005 and we have been playing the original Playstation in secret as to not be shamed by gamers worldwide. I mean, PS2 has been out for how long and we never upgraded. Xbox as well. We just don’t play enough or as fanatically to justify spening the dough. Well I’d like to announce that we now have Xbox! Granted, Xbox360 comes out soon, but cut me some slack… We’re closer than we ever have been to conquering the gaming world.
My brother sent us the Xbox. He included “Topspin” which is a tennis game I liked when I played it at his house in Houston. Then because I am cheeseball I went out and bought the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” game. What’s next? “Alias”? You don’t know…

This Thing Sucks...

I can now suck a golf ball through a garden hose! Well, actually our new vacuum can, but you get the innuendo. After months (no lie) of research and contemplation we settled on the Bissell CleanView II and I fucking love it! Originally we were Dyson bound as it is supposed to be the best for pet hair pickup. On numerous occasions we almost purchased a Dyson but the one we wanted, no one seemed to carry in stock – a good thing for us as shelling out $400-$500 for a vacuum is a little excessive. Pet hair was our number one concern as we have a fully carpeted apartment and two cats. I need suction and I need it now! I’m happy to report that for almost a quarter of the Dyson price we were able to get an incredible little sucker. We filled almost 1/3 of a 13 gallon trash bag with cat hair after our first major vacuuming! Gross, huh? Just three weeks ago we steam cleaned the rugs too, so those damn cats are a shedding nightmare. Damn I love a clean floor!

Gay Marriage Decision - Happy Anniversary

Gay Marriage Decision - Happy Anniversary
Originally uploaded by duckydale.

Look Jethro, dem Queers done made it a year. Guess its not the end of the world. That’s right Sammy Jo, Human Beings were aloud to marry a year ago just like your inbred trailer park pig farmin’ self and noone cares. Congrats on not lynching anyone these past 12 months. Rural fences everywhere cry a sigh of relief.
Do I celebrate? Sure. It was a civil rights victory that directly affects me, or could directly affect me if Jon or I were in a critical situation and were possibly denied access to each other or rights given to Jethro and Sammy Jo in emergency medical, economic, or death circumstances.
Does it complicate the relationship? I guess it could. I mean, there was never this option available and now that there is, it could add an element of finality to a relationship. I mean how many straight couples did you hear about breaking up because one wasn’t ready to “commit?” Plenty. I think its ridiculous that if you are happy in a relationship and everything is working smoothly that there is no need to end things just because that person may not want to marry at this time. I think it’s an unwelcome pressure put on a couple based on societal standards. And just like everything else that’s good in this world, corruption by the masses ruins what could be a good thing. Sure I would like presents, money and flat-ware from Crate & Barrel but not to be like “you.”
I believe in gay marriage. I believe in the need for the rights given to married couples. But, I do think there is a difference between a gay and straight relationship. It’s equal but it is not the same in some regards. There is a struggle and a stigma that had to be overcome in a gay relationship to survive. That alone is a bond, a union created by strength and love. The problem is, this country doesn’t recognize that victory and can refuse you the rights given to heterosexual couples. For this reason, we need the ability to marry, to be recognized by law as the other half in a relationship, and to be treated as a human being by medical and financial institutions.
The fight against legalizing gay marriage reminds me of the way “Americans” have adopted this uber-patriotic stance on American life post 9/11. If you do not have an American flag waving and a fucking magnetic ribbon on your trunk you’re a terrorist or a sympathizer. It’s similar in group mentality. No one cared that the divorce rate is at an all time high and that more marriages are annulled within the first month than ever before in history but if two consenting adults want to marry their same sex partner – the sanctity of marriage is being trashed. People that never once questioned or criticized themselves and their marriage now have a hard religious stance for the institution of marriage. Even though the ritual of “religious” marriage is not the only marriage practiced and honored, it is now being heralded as the only acceptable “marriage” recognized by the public eye. Well, the public and GOD of course.

Bad News Bears (1976)

Bad News Bears (1976)
Originally uploaded by duckydale.

Last night, BNB was on HBO and we watched the whole movie. I remember this being a huge part of my childhood. I loved BNB, BNB Breaking Training, and even went to see the not so good BNB Go To Japan. I forgot how brilliant this film was in the decade or so since having seen it last. Tanner was always my favorite, though if truth be told I was more of the Timmy Lupus character in real life. It’s crass, bold, and just plain wrong at times but it gives the underdog hope. It’s Revenge of the Nerds Grade School Style! The writing is genius and the acting is actually really good. Tatum O’Neal is wonderful, reaching a style and sophistication no 12 year old should have and she raises the bar for these child actors. I mean how many people can hold their own against Walter Matheau? Even as a Grumpy Old Man he overshadowed the ancient Ann Margaret. To now see that Little Darling could handle herself with one of the greats, its encouraging and all directors should be showing this performance to their little kids. Dakota Fanning, rent it girl!
Jon brought up a good point though while watching BNB. They do not make movies like this anymore. I know there is a remake that is coming out with Billy Bob Thornton in the Buttermaker role but what he meant was that they do not make movies with KIDS like this ANYMORE. Case in point: Tanner – “All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, spics, niggers, pansies, and a booger-eatin' moron!” Can you see Haley Joel Osmet delivering that line? Neither can I!
That’s the beauty of the 70’s and 80’s. We weren’t so sheltering of adolescence. Film reflected the truth about kids, not sanitized Disney versions of idealistic youth. Every kid I knew growing up was a member of the Bad News Bears. We were foul-mouthed harsh kids and it was great to see yourself reflected on the silver screen.

Cult-Like Obsessions

Cult-Like Obsessions
Originally uploaded by duckydale.

I’m officially announcing that I’ve joined not one, but two cults in my adult life. If there is a meteor I’m supposed to worship, I don’t trust it. If there are white shoes, toga’s, and long hair in my future, I don’t trust it. If I’m in a warehouse in the Texas heat, I don’t trust it. If I’m friends with a man with a swastika carved into his forehead, I don’t trust it. If it comes with a white cup, a green logo of a mermaid, and overly ridiculous prices I TRUST IT baby!

Starbucks is my temple and I bow down and pray daily! From the snappy tunes to the snazzy all-black outfits I feel a part of the group. I understand the lingo as long as it may be. I understand the need for their uniformity and togetherness. I understand that once they’ve wrapped their foamy hands around you, there is no turning back. I’d shoot Jodie Foster for them. Lincoln, Kennedy, Nixon, Reagan you’re all just obstacles in my way to a Venti Non-Fat No Water Chai.

If the prices are remarkably low, affordable for all… I don’t trust it. If it involves windows, I avoid it. If generic and purchased in any Costco, I don’t trust it! If it’s white, simple, and punchy in design with an Apple logo… I TRUST IT! Apple is the alter to which I sacrifice paychecks. I’m a marketing executive’s favorite person and I can’t help it. Is there a support group? There is, Apple Care! Are there twelve steps? No, but there are twelve versions of the same product you just purchased coming out in the next month but they won’t clue you in so you just wasted money! That’s okay, its shiny and spectacularly designed… I don’t mind. I’m an addict.

He's 45 & He's Got the "Power"

He’s 45 & He’s Got the “Power”
Originally uploaded by duckydale.

I’m on the train this morning listening to the light and soothing sound of Keane on my Ipod. A stubby woman has wedged her way into the seat next to me prompting me to look up at her with glaring eyes from the “paper” – The Metro. Back Bay, more file into the not so crowded for a Tuesday morning car. We head toward New England Medical.

“Everybody’s Changing” comes to a close and I faintly hear it. “duh-na dit dit dit dit dit dit duh-na-na-na dit dit dit dit dit…” I look up. No, it can’t be! Who would listen to that? And that LOUD? I pause my Ipod.

“duh-na dit dit dit dit dit dit duh-na-na-na dit dit dit dit dit I GOT THE POWER!”

From the gay man’s ears standing over me billows the 90’s one hit wonder stylings of SNAP and I’m blown away.

“Heeeeeyyyyyy yeah yeah yeah… I GOT THE POWER!”

I crack a smile and chucle! This is hilarious. As I look glance back down I notice the girl across from me noticing me noticing what she just noticed and she busts out laughing. Then I try to contain my laughter. I’ve got to tell y’all. It was getting’, getting’, gettin’ kinda hectic for a moment. There we were, two strangers on a miserable morning commute united by the power, the hectic and heavy power of Snap! This makes coming to work bearable.

Apples & Oranges

Apples & Oranges
Originally uploaded by duckydale.

Friday night I found out that "they" are now making bags of individually wrapped Apple Slices in grocery stores. Because biting into or cutting an apple is so taxing. I'm sure that the plastic is as impossible to open as the chip bag so maybe the theory behind the individually wrapped Apple Slices is that you burn more calories than eating a whole apple? Who can tell. The point is I thought it one of the most assinine things until this afternoon.

I brought a Florida Navel Orange to work and it dawned on me. The reason I don't eat more oranges is that they are such a worriesome fruit to consume. That tough exterior peel is not easy to remove. I mean they make instruments in kitchen stores to assist, if you need assistance in eating a fruit its not worth it to me. I've taken to scoring the orange with a plastic knife or the non-scoopy end of a plastic spoon and peeling from there. It seems to help but then comes my next beef with said citrus. The little brand name label always runs and stains your fingers because the ink they use is soooo not waterproof. Now, I've used an instrument and I now have stained fingers... who's been in the cookie jar? So fine, instrument - leaky label... Why must an orange squirt? On the desk, the wall, your shirt and if you're lucky... your eye!

Bio-wash the eye, get your silkwood shower and its on to eating the 20 minute orange. I think Rachel Ray should have a show on this. 30 minute snack: Today's episode, the orange. The fucker's peeled! Rejoice... oh not so fast. What the hell is that next layer of crap? I thought I peeled this bitch? It's like a mucus membrane or something and it's as easy to get off as a 90 year old hooker.

Am I alone here? I now praise the maker of the Apple Slice and I shall never judge as if they come out with the individually wrapped Orange Slices, I'm sold.